The 2 days following 10mg.

Friday, I had a nice trip to the coast with Sam where we took a long walk along the seafront - getting off a station early so that we could enjoy the sun. We met my mum's old friends for lunch in town and I told them about taking "magic mushrooms". They are both in their 70's and didn't bat an eyelid, I thought they wouldn't. I went home again and slept a some more.

Today (Saturday) I went to Borough Market with my brother Jack. I met him there. We never do stuff like that really, just being sociable for the hell of it. I suggested it and was slightly surprised when he agreed. I bought some lovely organic apples and a Naga curry paste then headed home via the river boat for another sleep. I also saw a tuba player, playing a tune and blowing fireballs in time to the tune from his instrument. That's a first for me! I cooked the curry (it was lovely) and am now just finishing this evening's blog. The next session is constantly on my mind, I'm not really worried - just thinking about how it's going to be much stronger and more intense. Even so I'm going ahead and kind of looking forward to it; the music and the vibrational cleansing and whatever else comes.

Going back to the 10mg session and being "checked in on" by the Indian deity, I decided to Google it. What I thought was Shiva turned out to be Ganesh after I checked, as I have no idea about these gods or stories. At a glance, Ganesh is the "remover of obstacles" and according to Wikipedia "God of wisdom, knowledge and new beginnings". He sounds like a good totem to have through the 25mg experience! I also came across this Ganesh mantra, this more modern version and this version. I think it's beautiful. I also found these two obstacle blocker chants. I'm using it for the 25mg trip next week if I get stuck or scared. 

Some of the normal negativity and grief has crept back a little, maybe because it's been in focus more than it usually is.

10mg dose, 1st session.

So I've been fairly nervous but not as bad as I thought I would be. The video above shows some of how I was feeling that morning. I'm glad I decided to stay at the hospital rather than schlep across London during rush-hour. I really do trust the study team. The dry run really helped and the room was very nice. The video above shows some of the setting but it's a little dark. I met Robin at 9am, had a banana, did a small questionnaire then went into the room. It was beautifully laid out with a few little extras. I felt some gratitude as Robin showed me the laser ambient lights (I was thinking how nice something like that would be when I saw the room the last time) and the aroma machine for the essential oils.

At 10:30am I was given the small bowl to take the two capsules from. I took these with water and started to relax. The music was lovely and it seemed to start working really quickly. I noticed small lights when I closed my eyes, like little rips in the blackness. They seemed like Sanskrit text. The light would be bright then dim to the point where I could see the symbol before fading out and repeating. Over and over, gently. I didn't feel any change in myself at this point but knew it had started. For some reason I gave a running commentary on what was happening as it happened for a while before being encouraged to go within. Mark and David anchored me. The music was amazing. It was all about vibrational change, I felt the room get colder and then the space opened up. Even though I couldn't see the room as I was lying down with eye-shades. It felt as if my body temperature was dropping and the room or the space in the room had expanded.

I felt like I was moving slightly out of my body as I changed frequency. I know that sounds weird but it really fits to how it felt. I started to see the geometrics I'd heard about but in a subdued darkness, like it was organising itself before revealing the full colour. Slowly it emerged and got brighter, quicker and more turbulent. At its most colourful I saw an Indian god "look in on me" like a parent looking over a baby's crib. It was very brief but it was very clear. There was only one time when I didn't like the music at all. I felt it would be more trouble to move around. I did need to use the loo at one point but went back "in" with no problem. Even though this was the lower dose quite a lot happened. I felt fine and I had a few little previews of the power and simplicity that this state/place has to reduce problems or issues down to an very simple "knowing" and understanding.

As it wore off I talked to Robin, David and Mark and then went back "in" and then would take out the earphones and talk some more. Eventually around 4pm I had started to feel OK again and we talked some more about what had happened and the effects as well as preparing to leave. I answered some more questionnaires relating to the experience, had something to eat and a cab was ordered to take me home. From the cab I spotted a mural by Spitalfields market that really spoke to me and seemed significant to the experience I just had with Psilocybin and the eyes that "checked in on me".

I felt very grateful for the care and all the obvious work that had gone into making me comfortable and creating a warm and beautiful setting with amazing music. I went out for dinner that evening with Chris and spoke to Anthea on the phone. Anthea said I sounded very calm and Chris mentioned that I seemed calmer and more positive over dinner. Robin gave me some of the cut flowers to take home which has helped keep me centred on this as I think of the "trip" each time I see them. They still looked amazingly vibrant and alive later that evening.

Preparation.

I went to bed just before 1am last night; I feel very tired again today. A pretty restless night's sleep. Waking up and then back to sleep. My shoulder/neck muscles are locking up again, I think from being tense about tomorrow morning. I've also got pretty bad indigestion / heartburn.

I took the tube and bus into work today to avoid driving. I didn't pick up a newspaper to avoid all the negative stories then made the mistake of glancing over at the guy sitting next to me while he read a newspaper. I saw headlines about being buried alive and a bigamist putting his ex in a care home so he could marry the new girlfriend. Lovely! I've arranged to go out with a friend for dinner after the session tomorrow evening. I'm going out for the day with another friend on Friday to the coast. Then I'll have a nice long weekend to relax and I'll get a good long cycle done along the Thames and do some processing from the session if I need to. I've avoided watching any more psilocybin related videos or reading the book I bought. I'll wait until I've been "there" myself, so to speak.

I'm pretty sure I'm over-worrying it all as I sometimes do. I'll have a go at adding a short video from the hospital accommodation tonight. My pocket phone tripod has just been delivered.

I just came across this beautiful video today with music from Max Richter.

The Colors of Feelings from Thomas Blanchard on Vimeo.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I managed to have a good sleep last night. I went to bed about 1am and think I slept soon after that. Dreamt quite deeply. Past relationships all merging into one continuous timeline. Also all locations were seamlessly attached to one another. I felt much better today. Pre-dose butterflies are still there. The tube strike has been called off, which would have just caused a complete nightmare for me getting to the hospital. Robin has kindly arranged that I can stay at the hospital accommodation overnight to avoid the toxic soul-death of rush-hour tube travel. I'm not looking at any more videos now related to Psilocybin.

I keep thinking of how nice the setting and music were. It really did help doing a "dry run" of the set and setting. I think I would have been more nervous if we hadn't done that. I'm going to take my own earphones as the ones there kept falling out when I tried them. I'm still quite tired today.

Pre-session nerves

A stressful morning trying to locate my undelivered (replacement) mobile phone displaced my creeping anxiety around the upcoming low dose session. I needed my phone as the one I'm using is about 6 years old and no good for what I want to do. I'm also projecting about the following higher dose session and worrying about that too.

I've got a slight ear infection and have had trouble sleeping again. Last night I managed to get to bed about 3am but slept much later than I expected and kept waking up. Today I feel exhausted. I'm sure it's going to be a good experience but I'm just worried about the psychedelic interface and how difficult and disorientating that will be. Even though all the testimonials from the study run by John Hopkins (using the same model) were positive. I'm not going to watch any more videos relating to this now. I couldn't possibly learn anything else useful without having the experience myself. I keep thinking how nice the setting is going to be and how much support I will have in the form of Robin, David and Mark being fully present to guide me. I'm worried the anxiety is going to increase the closer Thursday comes. I know how silly that sounds really as I volunteered after all!

MRI Brain scan and Session Preparation

A week before today's date, while having dinner with Sam I had the email from Robin telling me that I had been accepted onto the trial. I was really happy briefly, followed by a feeling of nervousness.

9:00AM.
So the first stage was a brain scan using an MRI. Robin talked me through the whole process and what I could expect, and what I would be expected to do. How to use the call button and I that would be expected to use a hand button device to answer small questionnaires from inside the MRI unit.

If my anxiety levels were being rated on a scale of 1 - 10 it would have been a 12. I'd been worrying about my dental work (implants and crowns) being affected and had nearly emailed Robin to say I could not attend. After about 2 hours sleep I decided I had to attend and see what their thoughts were. I'd almost let my anxiety get the better of me. The staff were very reassuring and the scan was fine. The MRI lasted almost an hour but once I'd calmed down I started to feel sleepy inside the unit. With the scan over with we had a short break for lunch.

12:30PM
I met David again (Mark was on holiday) and we started to talk again about emotional issues which centered (again) mostly around my mother's death. I became emotional again but felt more comfortable showing my feelings as we'd started to build up trust through talking through these issues. David and I discussed various aspects of different religions, relating to possible after-life and re-incarnation beliefs. I realised how raw it still the grief feels even after nearly 3 years and that I may have deflected or talked around these feelings and this event during my 1 year counselling session.

1:00PM
Robin suggested we relocate from the office to a room that had been created already for the session setting. To change it from a default hospital room into a sedate and calming environment with art, throws, candles and a lot of the hospital equipment removed. The set, as well as the setting are very important. I tried the bed and relaxed. I also tried the eye-shades and the headphones. I relaxed for a while more and the music felt quite sad. This may have been from all the talking we had done around difficult subjects. We practised grounding by holding each others wrists so I was holding Robin one side and David on the other. This made me very emotional for some reason; I think because it was quite nurturing and compassionate.

2:30PM
That was the screening day over. Next week will be the first low-dose session. In a way I can't wait because the setting and the music were so nice. This orientation setting was very helpful I think and will make it easier I hope, if I get pre-session nerves. On the tube, going home I still felt very emotional and this lasted most of the day into the early hours. It was quite a heavy day for me in terms of having the MRI, dealing with almost overpowering anxiety, as well as the orientation and continued talking therapy around emotional subjects.

Screening

I was invited to attend a screening session at Imperial College London, White City, London, UK. I was scheduled to meet Mark, David and Robin to discuss my background, life events and depression. I took the central line tube to White City station and then the 72 bus (5 mins) to drop me almost outside the hospital. Google map with bus route.

I was greeted in the reception area by Mark and taken through to be introduced to Robin and David.  I'd already answered some pre-screening questions via email and this was an interview of sorts to make sure I was suitable for the study and also to learn more about it and the procedures and requirements. I felt a little apprehensive at first, sitting with 3 people who were mostly strangers and attempting to be as open and honest as I could about my level of depression, my life events, how I deal with life and where I am.

We talked in-depth. Going through some of the major events still evokes a strong emotional response in me and this was not particularly easy to go through all these issues again. It was explained that the main focus of the study was to improve the participants depression levels. This was reassuring and I felt more relaxed with the realisation  that these three relative strangers were very used to seeing people in distressed states. I felt less self-conscious about being upset and could be more open and honest with them about my grief and how it had affected me and my life.

Later that day I was sent an email containing a large questionnaire relating to depression and my feelings which took about 2 hours to fill out and return.

Introduction

I applied for the psilocybin trials taking place at Imperial College London under Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris. This research is looking specifically at the impact of psilocybin on depression and its positive effects at alleviating it with 2 doses (1 low, 1 higher). These sessions are mediated and controlled within a supportive framework. Data is collected via questionnaires, Brain imaging using fMRI (before and after dosing) and discussion sessions, before, between and after the dosing sessions.

I'd heard about the research of Prof. David Nutt around this area. I searched for a contact email and offered myself as a volunteer in June 2011. The months from April 2011 leading up to my mothers death In October 2011 were very intense, demanding and emotional. In December 2014 I was invited to apply to as a volunteer for this research project, following up from my original email. I went though a telephone and email screening followed by in-person meeting.

If you haven't seen it yet, you may want to watch this: Drugs Live - Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trial. Professor Nutt managed to get funding from CH4, a UK TV company and a second show was created this year around Cannabis. If you live outside the UK try this link.