MRI Brain scan and Session Preparation

A week before today's date, while having dinner with Sam I had the email from Robin telling me that I had been accepted onto the trial. I was really happy briefly, followed by a feeling of nervousness.

9:00AM.
So the first stage was a brain scan using an MRI. Robin talked me through the whole process and what I could expect, and what I would be expected to do. How to use the call button and I that would be expected to use a hand button device to answer small questionnaires from inside the MRI unit.

If my anxiety levels were being rated on a scale of 1 - 10 it would have been a 12. I'd been worrying about my dental work (implants and crowns) being affected and had nearly emailed Robin to say I could not attend. After about 2 hours sleep I decided I had to attend and see what their thoughts were. I'd almost let my anxiety get the better of me. The staff were very reassuring and the scan was fine. The MRI lasted almost an hour but once I'd calmed down I started to feel sleepy inside the unit. With the scan over with we had a short break for lunch.

12:30PM
I met David again (Mark was on holiday) and we started to talk again about emotional issues which centered (again) mostly around my mother's death. I became emotional again but felt more comfortable showing my feelings as we'd started to build up trust through talking through these issues. David and I discussed various aspects of different religions, relating to possible after-life and re-incarnation beliefs. I realised how raw it still the grief feels even after nearly 3 years and that I may have deflected or talked around these feelings and this event during my 1 year counselling session.

1:00PM
Robin suggested we relocate from the office to a room that had been created already for the session setting. To change it from a default hospital room into a sedate and calming environment with art, throws, candles and a lot of the hospital equipment removed. The set, as well as the setting are very important. I tried the bed and relaxed. I also tried the eye-shades and the headphones. I relaxed for a while more and the music felt quite sad. This may have been from all the talking we had done around difficult subjects. We practised grounding by holding each others wrists so I was holding Robin one side and David on the other. This made me very emotional for some reason; I think because it was quite nurturing and compassionate.

2:30PM
That was the screening day over. Next week will be the first low-dose session. In a way I can't wait because the setting and the music were so nice. This orientation setting was very helpful I think and will make it easier I hope, if I get pre-session nerves. On the tube, going home I still felt very emotional and this lasted most of the day into the early hours. It was quite a heavy day for me in terms of having the MRI, dealing with almost overpowering anxiety, as well as the orientation and continued talking therapy around emotional subjects.

Screening

I was invited to attend a screening session at Imperial College London, White City, London, UK. I was scheduled to meet Mark, David and Robin to discuss my background, life events and depression. I took the central line tube to White City station and then the 72 bus (5 mins) to drop me almost outside the hospital. Google map with bus route.

I was greeted in the reception area by Mark and taken through to be introduced to Robin and David.  I'd already answered some pre-screening questions via email and this was an interview of sorts to make sure I was suitable for the study and also to learn more about it and the procedures and requirements. I felt a little apprehensive at first, sitting with 3 people who were mostly strangers and attempting to be as open and honest as I could about my level of depression, my life events, how I deal with life and where I am.

We talked in-depth. Going through some of the major events still evokes a strong emotional response in me and this was not particularly easy to go through all these issues again. It was explained that the main focus of the study was to improve the participants depression levels. This was reassuring and I felt more relaxed with the realisation  that these three relative strangers were very used to seeing people in distressed states. I felt less self-conscious about being upset and could be more open and honest with them about my grief and how it had affected me and my life.

Later that day I was sent an email containing a large questionnaire relating to depression and my feelings which took about 2 hours to fill out and return.