The Lancet / Media storm

The study findings were published a few weeks back and the response has been

supportive and positive. Even the Daily Mail and The Sun newspapers run a good

balanced story. Some of the headlines were silly though. It was also covered in

The Guardian, Express, Independent, Daily Mirror, Metro and spread like wildfire

across the internet and more alternative media. My friend Ian (also a participant)
was interviewed for Buzzfeed.com about his experience on the study.

There was also a feature on the study shown on BBC's Newnight where another

participant was able to give his account of the experience and even showed some

footage from the session. I Discussed the coverage with another trial percipient

and we were both pleasantly surprised at the avoidance of sensualist headlines
and basic scaremongering we were both expecting.

I was interviewed for Sky news. They asked if I would be willing to be interviewed

live. I declined. That felt like a bit too much pressure and I was fairly nervous about

doing the interview anyway. They asked for a photo of my mother, I obliged. They

wanted to film me looking  at it and I read this as "lets try and make him cry during

the  interview. I didn't cry. I was not even choked up slightly like I expected to be.

They showed the photo of my mother in the segment. That was a nice touch.

Later on the same day I interviewed for a slot covering the study on ITV news,

shown at 10:30pm that night. I managed to see both pieces aired on the same day.

The editing turn-a-round is so quick. I felt a tad weird putting all of it "out there".

Talking about the grief and how I felt. I re-edited  in my head what I should

have said, afterwards on the way home.

Just over a week later I was filmed by another documentary / film making

company called Ideo Films. They were very nice and we spent more time going

through the details of before, during and after the Psilocybin trial. I got a little choked

up going though it all again. I wish I hadn't and feel a little apprehensive about the

outcome of that piece but will have to wait and see.

I was also interviewed for a Danish TV show, DR TV.  Once again they were very

nice. We met David Erritzoes and we were filmed reminiscing about the study whilst
looking at some of the videos Robin had recorded on my phone, for this blog.

David mentioned a really good talk by Bill Richards titled "Promise of psychedelics

in medicine" from a recent conference he attended in Amsterdam, with Robin.

Robin Carhart-Harris also gave a talk covering the recent Psilocybin study.

I'm moving house in just over 2 weeks time.

Psychedelic science media 2016

There have been a number of videos released over the last few weeks so I wanted to

 put them together here. Mostly related to the Psilocybin / LSD study carried out by

 Robin Carhart-Harris and his interviews in the UK media as well as the US studies.
There were some features on BBC's Radio 4 and an article for mosaicscience.com

Robin Carhart-Harris talking LSD Brain studies at TEDx.

Robin discusses the LSD brain study on CNN with a confused news anchor.

Robin discusses the LSD brain study on BBC Radio 4.

The science of psilocybin and its use to relieve suffering.

Radio 4 discusses psychedelics - click to open

Sam Wong article "psychedelic therapy" for: mosaicscience.com

First LSD brain imaging study offers insights into consciousness

Entheogen Podcast

Just in at the 6 month mark, following the Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms)
medical trial for depression I contacted the Entheogen show. I asked if my
experience would be of interest to them :) I've been listening to and enjoying
the show for a while. They were great guys to talk to and very cool.

Here's the podcast: 025: PSYCHEDELIC MEDICINE TRIALS 

This is Entheogen. Talk about tools for generating the divine within.
Today is February 28, 2016, and we are discussing Psychedelic Medicine
Trials with a participant in a recent psilocybin study.

Find the notes and links for this and other episodes at EntheogenShow.com.
Sign up to receive an email when we release a new episode.

Follow us @EntheogenShow on Twitter and like EntheogenShow on FaceBook.
Special thanks to our guest on today’s show who offers listeners a rare glimpse
ofwhat it’s like to participate in a psychedelic medicine trial. Kirk worked with
Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris, David Erritzoe (who sat in on the sessions),
Prof. David Nutt (who oversaw the project), and Mark Bolstridge at the Imperial
College of London, studying the impact of psilocybin on depression.

Session Music

I've lost a lot of memory of the time in "psychedelic space" as it's embedded so much with the music so it will be useful to see if it jolts me, through re-listening to some of it. There was one key piece (Greg Haines - 183 Times) that just moved me to a state of, what I'd call, subdued ecstasy. It was so beautiful and so entwined with the experience. I just completely let go and drifted away with it - with a feeling of absolute surrender, peace and joy; like the music had suspended me in air. It's hard to describe it in a way that does justice to the feelings of serenity, peace and calmness.

I also felt like I had a vibrational thirst that a lot of the music seemed to quench but I had a feeling that the vibration needed to be stronger, although this could have been related to the dose. If the dose had been slightly higher the vibration would have felt slightly stronger; like putting enough salt on chips, you just know when it feels/tastes right. I hope my language isn't too abstract or dramatic here but it's the only way I can describe the sensation. Some of the tracks had materials attributed to them. Towards the end of the session, one track had unvarnished wood characteristics and I could also see glass marbles with rainbow colour centres; almost is if I was in an old Victorian nursery, in a large house but I felt aware of everything. I know it may sound strange but I had the same images/location sensations in each 10mg/25mg session with the same track.

Classical music sounded amazing. I love violin music normally but I could "see" the bow being pulled and feel the vibration of the strings, I could hear the tiny knocks of the bow against the wooden base. The sound system may have played a part in that as sounds were so rich. The Indian instruments on some tracks really satisfied this new vibrational thirst, they sounded and felt native to the psychedelic space. It was as if the instruments were created "there" and pulled into our domain for visitors to transition back over to the psychedelic world. I know that sounds a bit off-the-wall but it's how I felt at the time. The curation of the playlist was outstanding and I'm guessing it was based on some kind of instinctive or intuitive feelings of what was  needed. There was only one piece out of the whole playlist that I didn't like at all because it started off in a very inharmonious way, like a trumpet being played by an absolute novice. I disliked the track in the 10mg session but found this track almost unbearable at 25mg. At some points there were periods of silence before a new block of music started and I didn't like the feeling of empty space. It was like all the fluidic presence of music had drained out of the room and left a stark, cold and airless space behind.

I managed to find a few of the key tracks that I felt were especially moving and memorable from both sessions (the music playlist was the same for both high-dose and low-dose sessions). These are in no particular order. I found this amazing site. I really loved the sound and bass (and "needed" it) the sounds of the Tibetan monks throat singing and chanting. It generates it to your liking. Great!

• Carlos Cipa – The Whole Truth
• Greg Haines – Azure 
• Max Richter – The Young Mariner
• Ludovico Einaudi - The Journey
• Greg Haines – 183 Times
• Dead Can Dance - Devorzhum
• Ólafur Arnalds & Alice Sara Ott - Verses
• Arvo pärt - Spiegel Im Spiegel
• Arve Henriksen - Glacier Descent
• Dawn Upshaw - Baïlèro.  Chants d'Auvergne
• Robert Rich & Lisa Moskow - Bija

Here are details regarding the sound system, kindly provided by the Imperial College London Psilodep team:

• Meridian Prime Headphone Amp
• Meridian Prime Power Supply
• Meridian Media Core 200 for streaming and storage
• DSP3200 loudspeakers
• Sennheiser IE800 headphones

Follow up / Back to life

It's now almost 2 weeks since the 25mg psilocybin  session. I've just had my final follow up with Robin, Mark and David. I met Robin first and we talked for a while - going through some of the things that came up during and after the session, changes and how to move forward. Robin suggested meditation from this point might be healthy as well as facilitating being around more positive people. David joined us after a while and then I had about 30 mins alone with Mark, discussing the sessions just going back over the original, pre-dose questionnaire. I said my goodbyes and was given a small book by the team with short quotes from the Dalai Lama. A very thoughtful touch. I then handed over my gift, a bottle of champagne.

I spent a really nice weekend with some friends. Sunday morning, as I walked through Lakeside shopping centre after breakfast with a friend, I realised how good I felt; as if there seemed to be more space around me. I was more optimistic. I hadn't felt like this since before my mother had died. That really made me feel good to notice and enjoy the sensation.

Monday, I had some news from work about a site change which I didn't think was handled very well and was just broken to staff via email rather than in person. I'll be moving to a good site I enjoy so it's not the worst news. I'll also be working with people who may more stimulating and interesting to be around. It was a bit of a shock and I didn't enjoy the feeling of jumping from feeling great on Sunday and now feeling shocked and dislocated on Monday.

I've filled in and sent back the final questionnaire and again I can see a difference in my responses. There must be around 800 questions to go through. Robin followed up later with an invite for a get together for all staff and volunteers of the psilocybin trial. Dinner and drinks in December. That will be really interesting for all of us, a good way to see how we are all doing, some time after, and to swap stories about how our own sessions went.

Just before I started the trial - during and now, definitely, afterwards changes began to occur; almost like life moved with me on this trip. Some old friends got in touch out of the blue and some new friends were made. I've also just had the best news today (as I type) but I can't share it here. All I can say is it's totally unblocking.

2nd MRI scan and post dose follow-up.

I felt a bit rough this morning but had to be up early for the MRI scan and I was also slightly worried about getting nervous again, as I was the first time I had the scan. I arrived a little late due to slow District Line trains this morning. I met Nienke again, who took me round for the scan and was just as friendly, warm and professional as everyone else I had interacted with on this project. I apologised for being a bit blank the first time we met (coming down from the 2nd dose the day before). I was introduced to Matt and his colleague before getting changed and being taken through to the scanner. Again I was shown images and listened to music while the 45 minute scans were taking place. I was asked to complete a questionnaire on the music and scan sessions using a special button device as these scans were proceeding. I had another mild anxiety but as always the staff got me through it with no problems and all the scans were completed.

Mark and David came to meet me in the scanning waiting room and we went back to the session room that was still set-up as it was for my inward journey the day before. We talked through a lot of what happened and they reflected back to me some of the things that I'd said and done during the session. I think it did help frame and clarify a lot of the positive changes in my outlook and perceptions of situations that came up. It was helpful talking to them and going though what had happened. I will miss it. So after we finished we confirmed the next follow-up and I left to meet a friend for lunch, then came home to relax. I was so very tired but decided to sleep at night rather than nap during the day to keep a normal sleep pattern going. I've added a very short video below of the MRI scanner. It was taken behind the glass screen outside the room for obvious reasons!

Kirk going into the MRI for the 2nd time.

High Dose / 25mg session.

I had some good sleep and got ready to start the session. I felt very nervous again and was worried that the higher dose would be too overpowering for me. But anxiety has been the theme throughout this trial and I've got though it most of the time by just "turning up anyway". Once again I was greeted warmly and taken around to the session room. It looked great and we sat down. I managed to bring my own breakfast (porridge) and avoided the sick-nervousness feeling that I had last time. I made myself comfortable on the bed and we spent about 45 minutes talking and then Robin pointed out that it was 10:30am and time for the dose. I hoped that it would be only 2 capsules like last time but it was 5 and that made it seem a lot more serious! I took them one-at-a-time and said "there's no going back now"! It took longer to start this time, around 35 minutes but again it was a gentle start. The feeling of being cold returned, as well as changing frequency but I felt colder and started to shiver uncontrollably for about 10 minutes. Then as I started to move "out" my breathing felt weird and heavy like I had to concentrate to breath and the automatic process had gone offline but this was most likely down to anxiety. Mark and David assisted and supported me though this period; David measured my oxygen levels assuring me that they were OK. Once the transition anxiety had passed I started to let go into the turbulent inward psychedelic space.

The colours (wavelengths) felt correct this time, as I expected them to be. It just felt "right". The 10mg dose felt weaker in hue colour-wise. The vibration was stronger too and the journey to the peak effects felt more visual and turbulent with the sound taking on the beautiful physicality. When I opened my eyes the first time, at the peak, I was amazed at how gorgeous the room and lighting looked and I noticed the ceiling was moving and bowing slightly, but it was really interesting and I enjoyed watching it for a while. I looked at Robin and David and they had a strong visual effect over them and looked almost like a subtle version of this example. Robin seemed to be completely on my wavelength and understood what I was seeing and seemed to find it as funny I as did, which was really nice and he felt like an ally. I started laughing at how huge my arms suddenly looked and paid attention to them before David gently suggested I put the eye-shades back on and to go back in with the music. I was worried at this point that the psilocybin effects started to wane but the music kicked it back up again and I was off. One track suspended me in a state of subdued ecstasy as the beautiful violin music vibrated through me. I surrendered to the music and vibrational sensation and felt awe at it. I noticed a few tracks were different this time. One of the last tracks being a really unusual version of "Love lift us up where we belong" that felt profoundly meaningful, truthful and almost sad. Music was so very important and in this trial the playlist was superbly crafted; as I may have said already, I even liked the stuff I didn't like. At another point I wanted to know the origin on the word relent and Robin looked it up. That seemed so enjoyable discussing the nature of the word and as Robin described the meaning and background I could almost see the images of 15th century England and windmills coming out of his laptop-screen light.

I would have been okay to had gone a bit deeper, for the vibration to be a touch stronger. As I said the wavelength was perfect but the vibration needed to be stronger and I know that may not make sense to someone reading this that hasn't been there.

So apart from being mostly astonished and amazed at the journey through the psychedelic space and the change of sensory input experience, I was also able to look at my life, my outlook, my past and how I deal with things. A kind of life or situation review where I could see the best way to deal with things or to behave once all the pettiness and trivialities had been stripped away. I also saw friendships at their core - the loving parts rather than the outer crust of resentment or daily frustrations that I may have let grow around/over some of them. A realisation that I get too frustrated about silly things and I should let go of small things is another way to say it. The whole experience has also been a lesson in anxiety management even before I took the first low-dose. The MRI, 10mg, 25mg before and during each dose all caused strong anxiety.

I talked with David and Robin, went back inwards, talked again and eventually the session ended and I wished it could have been longer. It was wonderful. I had something to eat and took the cab home. I asked the cab driver to play whatever his favourite music was which turned out to be Nigerian drumming music and he seemed surprised when I asked him to turn it up a bit. :)

As the cab arrived home Chris pulled into my road; we had tea, a talk and then made our way to Anthea's where I talked more in detail about the day and Anthea cooked a lovely dinner. We were laughing a lot and I wondered if I was being a bit rowdy as I was still a tiny bit dazed. Anthea commented (unprompted) about how calm and happy I seemed. I went to bed slightly nervous about being back in the MRI machine in the morning. Below is a video pre-dose and post-dose, combined. I managed to include a clip from the film I mention in the video but here is a link to it. Contact, staring Jodie Foster, which was released in 1997. My spine and legs were tingling (in a good way) when I watched it again. There are so many parallels from the film with the psilocybin experience. The colourful-turbulent transitioning, the letting go, surrendering, the beauty, peace and gentle return.

Trepidation

A fairly sedate weekend following the low dose session. My sleeping pattern also got thrown out by getting too much sleep during the day and my neighbours being loud and banging doors again until 4am. I took Anthea to a "wildlife park" thinking it would be a good uplifting thing to do and then remembered why I have not been to a zoo in a long time. I felt sorry for the animals and they all looked very bored. Well, apart from a younger tiger pacing up and down by an electric fence, who was wondering how to get at the child who was taunting it. We went back to Anthea's and cooked a roast dinner.

It's the day before again and I'm worrying again. I know it's going to be more powerful this time and it's making me a little nervous. Mark had kindly arranged for me to stay on site at ICL again so it was easy to get to the session in the morning.

The 2 days following 10mg.

Friday, I had a nice trip to the coast with Sam where we took a long walk along the seafront - getting off a station early so that we could enjoy the sun. We met my mum's old friends for lunch in town and I told them about taking "magic mushrooms". They are both in their 70's and didn't bat an eyelid, I thought they wouldn't. I went home again and slept a some more.

Today (Saturday) I went to Borough Market with my brother Jack. I met him there. We never do stuff like that really, just being sociable for the hell of it. I suggested it and was slightly surprised when he agreed. I bought some lovely organic apples and a Naga curry paste then headed home via the river boat for another sleep. I also saw a tuba player, playing a tune and blowing fireballs in time to the tune from his instrument. That's a first for me! I cooked the curry (it was lovely) and am now just finishing this evening's blog. The next session is constantly on my mind, I'm not really worried - just thinking about how it's going to be much stronger and more intense. Even so I'm going ahead and kind of looking forward to it; the music and the vibrational cleansing and whatever else comes.

Going back to the 10mg session and being "checked in on" by the Indian deity, I decided to Google it. What I thought was Shiva turned out to be Ganesh after I checked, as I have no idea about these gods or stories. At a glance, Ganesh is the "remover of obstacles" and according to Wikipedia "God of wisdom, knowledge and new beginnings". He sounds like a good totem to have through the 25mg experience! I also came across this Ganesh mantra, this more modern version and this version. I think it's beautiful. I also found these two obstacle blocker chants. I'm using it for the 25mg trip next week if I get stuck or scared. 

Some of the normal negativity and grief has crept back a little, maybe because it's been in focus more than it usually is.

10mg dose, 1st session.

So I've been fairly nervous but not as bad as I thought I would be. The video above shows some of how I was feeling that morning. I'm glad I decided to stay at the hospital rather than schlep across London during rush-hour. I really do trust the study team. The dry run really helped and the room was very nice. The video above shows some of the setting but it's a little dark. I met Robin at 9am, had a banana, did a small questionnaire then went into the room. It was beautifully laid out with a few little extras. I felt some gratitude as Robin showed me the laser ambient lights (I was thinking how nice something like that would be when I saw the room the last time) and the aroma machine for the essential oils.

At 10:30am I was given the small bowl to take the two capsules from. I took these with water and started to relax. The music was lovely and it seemed to start working really quickly. I noticed small lights when I closed my eyes, like little rips in the blackness. They seemed like Sanskrit text. The light would be bright then dim to the point where I could see the symbol before fading out and repeating. Over and over, gently. I didn't feel any change in myself at this point but knew it had started. For some reason I gave a running commentary on what was happening as it happened for a while before being encouraged to go within. Mark and David anchored me. The music was amazing. It was all about vibrational change, I felt the room get colder and then the space opened up. Even though I couldn't see the room as I was lying down with eye-shades. It felt as if my body temperature was dropping and the room or the space in the room had expanded.

I felt like I was moving slightly out of my body as I changed frequency. I know that sounds weird but it really fits to how it felt. I started to see the geometrics I'd heard about but in a subdued darkness, like it was organising itself before revealing the full colour. Slowly it emerged and got brighter, quicker and more turbulent. At its most colourful I saw an Indian god "look in on me" like a parent looking over a baby's crib. It was very brief but it was very clear. There was only one time when I didn't like the music at all. I felt it would be more trouble to move around. I did need to use the loo at one point but went back "in" with no problem. Even though this was the lower dose quite a lot happened. I felt fine and I had a few little previews of the power and simplicity that this state/place has to reduce problems or issues down to an very simple "knowing" and understanding.

As it wore off I talked to Robin, David and Mark and then went back "in" and then would take out the earphones and talk some more. Eventually around 4pm I had started to feel OK again and we talked some more about what had happened and the effects as well as preparing to leave. I answered some more questionnaires relating to the experience, had something to eat and a cab was ordered to take me home. From the cab I spotted a mural by Spitalfields market that really spoke to me and seemed significant to the experience I just had with Psilocybin and the eyes that "checked in on me".

I felt very grateful for the care and all the obvious work that had gone into making me comfortable and creating a warm and beautiful setting with amazing music. I went out for dinner that evening with Chris and spoke to Anthea on the phone. Anthea said I sounded very calm and Chris mentioned that I seemed calmer and more positive over dinner. Robin gave me some of the cut flowers to take home which has helped keep me centred on this as I think of the "trip" each time I see them. They still looked amazingly vibrant and alive later that evening.